These days I am struggling with the decision of when to say goodbye to my best-dog-friend, Houston. After 13 years of companionship, it is hard to face the reality that his health is declining, his senses are failing, and he paces anxiously in the night, looking for a comfortable spot to sleep. Twice each night (or more), I carry him down three flights of creaky, wooden stairs to the back yard where he relieves his bladder, only to carry him back up to our room where the search for a cozy corner begins anew. He refuses to sleep downstairs, away from his pack. And I like sleeping near him, too.
Nights with Houston are exhausting. I worry that he hurts and fear he will wake my sleeping toddler or husband. I listen to him breathe his dog dreams. When he paces, I toss and turn. I get out of bed bleary-eyed and coffee-craving, not having slept more than 3 hours at a stretch. Often I sleep in more than one place (bedroom, spare room, family room) trying to keep peace for everyone. Houston gets up in the morning when I lift him from his post and carry him down for breakfast. After eating his kibble, he conducts a hopeful and diligent patrol of Area C -- the area under my son Carson's high chair -- where he feasts on bits of scrambled egg, pancake, and Cheerios. His patrol concluded, he settles in the posh dog bed beneath my desk and snoozes while I write.
That's an old dog's life, I guess.
But is it a quality life?
And who am I to judge?
"Quality of life" is as subjective as it gets. My stay-at-home military mom's "play-cook-clean-play, work-when-I-can, move-when-the-Air-Force-says-move" kind of life is not one others might choose. Some days I miss the structure and social stimulation of professional work outside these walls. Right now, my work group consists of a curiously busy toddler who says "No, no, no" all day as he rearranges the kitchen, the laundry, or my desktop, and an aged dog who follows me everywhere, whining softly if he is left behind as I go upstairs or down. We make quite a team.
So when will I say goodbye to faithful Houston? I can't say. I thought it would be this week. I thought it was time. His balance is poor and he falls down sometimes. But his attitude is so sunny, his circumstances don't seem to matter much. He is choosing to live as fully as he can given his limitations and I can't take that away from him.
