My son, Carson, is 22-months old today – and it will be his first day in daycare. To say I have mixed feelings is an understatement. My emotions fluctuate between anxiety, guilt, excitement, and relief.
The anxiety is easy to understand. Anytime we feel we’re losing control of something extremely important and special, we get anxious. And trusting someone else with caring for your child is certainly one of those times. I worked hard to find a daycare provider whose views I agree with, whose daycare center is small, attentive to children’s needs, and well-run. But she isn’t me and I won’t be there. There’s a knot in my stomach that twists just a little tighter and grows just a bit bigger each time I acknowledge that.
The guilt is more complex. Moms feel guilt over every little thing, it seems. When I get a good workout but learn my son has been crying in the gym daycare the whole time I’ve been gone, I feel guilty. When I’ve scheduled a phone interview mid-day that requires me to plunk him in front of Finding Nemo and sequester myself in the bathroom instead of taking him out for a play date, I feel guilty. When the pediatrician harps on the number of words my son says, and directs a speech pathology consult, I feel guilty. It’s hard to have a life, be a mother, and NOT feel guilty.
As I contemplate dropping Carson at Ms. Christine’s house this morning, I get a little bit excited, too. I’ve really missed being able to focus on my work. That isn’t to say I haven’t worked (I have) or that I haven’t focused (absolutely, I have). Working from home makes mama focus in a way no traditional job can. If you want to produce a professional, well-written product in no time, ask someone with no time. She’ll get it done in the time her kids nap – she has to.
But I’m excited to have the chance to pour myself into a project without constantly thinking about when Carson will wake. I’m relieved that he’ll be busy playing with other kids and enjoying Christine’s fantastic fenced backyard. Keeping Carson busy hasn’t been easy for me, and some days the boredom and isolation of being a stay-at-home mom makes me crazy.
As I head back to work outside these walls, I recognize that being a work-from-home mom for 22 months has been a wonderful luxury. Few women have the opportunity to stay home with their children without financial worries or career concerns. I treasure the time I share with Carson, always have and always will. But now our time together will be even more precious – because I won’t always be there.
