One of my goals for 2009 is to meet with other writers to learn about writing, read and comment on each other’s work, and share successes and frustrations. To that end, I joined a group called Scribes and Scribbles. They (or should I say we) hold a biweekly meeting in a coffee shop in Old Town Alexandria.
Tonight is my first chance to attend, and I’m feeling a little anxious about the whole thing.
Wallflower I’m not. But on the continuum from shy to socialite, I fall somewhere in the middle: I stay pretty close to the comfort zone most of the time. Social butterflies flit around in my stomach when I think about tonight’s meeting. And the psychologist in my head has to overanalyze it all. (Indulge me, please. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right?)
I can think of (at least) three reasons for the social jitters. First and foremost, trying new identities is scary. Though I routinely tell people I write articles for magazines, I rarely utter the phrase “I am a freelance writer” aloud. Appearing at the Scribes and Scribbles meeting feels like going out in public wearing nothing but a giant sandwich-board that reads “I am a freelance writer.” The rest of what makes me “me” isn’t so relevant at this meeting. I’ll be claiming a new identity out loud and in person. Wow, scary!
Did I mention I won’t be wearing any clothes under the sandwich board? Venturing beyond the comfort zone feels a lot like running through the mall naked. You know everyone is looking and judging, even if they’re too kind (or too mortified) to say anything. Social anxiety is most troubling in evaluative situations. I know I’m not supposed to care what others think, but I do. Most days that’s a good thing – it keeps me from going to the store in my pajamas and hair curlers. When it keeps me from exploring new opportunities, it’s not so helpful. A writer’s group is evaluative by definition (but in a constructive sort of way, I hope). Evaluation is jitter-provoking reason #2.
What do I expect from the meeting? I don’t know. Stressors we can predict and control are a lot less stressful than those we can’t. Rats who received electric shocks to the tail suffered from ulcers and suppressed immune functioning when they couldn’t predict or control the shocks. Their rat colleagues who received the same amount of shock but whose actions controlled its’ duration fared better. Lesson to be gleaned: Unpredictable situations are stressful, but they feel better when we remind ourselves we’ve got some control. As I head out the door tonight, feeling like a naked neophyte writer, I’ll remind myself I can come back to the comfort zone any time I please. I feel better just thinking about it.
